I N S O M N I A C | X.

The funny thing about electronic communication is that one uses email etc. to be connected to people but what they don't expect is that it also alienates you from others as well. Alienation in the physical sense - what ever happened to the hand shakes, the letters, and even the two o'clock phone chats when you can email someone or blog so that the whole world knows. Where's the special connections? Where is the control over our own communication?

With this, in addition to a very personal background check that I experienced in June, I am officially closing my blog indefinitely.

This was always an outpost for those to reach me and read my progress without having to email me. But what good is that? All the literary voyeurism is only exciting to the reader, not to the author.

One writes to not read one's work, but to read and listen to one's responses to one's work. Like talking, we all need responses- we all want feedback at its basest, most primitive level. There would be no need to speak if we all just spoke to ourselves.

I don't feel a connectedness to those who read my blog. The lucky few who actually replied keep in contact anyway. And that's the problem. I wanted this to be some interactive thing where people would call me out on things. No one has. I wanted people to say, "who the fuck are you talking about?"

I've restarted my mass mails, which are much more entertaining than my short posts, and I have my own groups site, in addition to my Friendster/LJ/Myspace info pages.

Can't reach me? Can't talk to me? Don't know where I am going/doing?...

In a world where we are all connected by maybe six degrees, these questions should be nonexistent, unless you really didn't want to contact me in the first place.

Pick up the phone and touch someone, bitch.

So now it's official. I'm leaving to NYC. I've been spending the last two days packing and thinking of what goes where. My target (and if you know how much I actually pack) is three luggages when I move to Pearson's place. Instead of going to Philly where all I would have seen is rain, I am actually here trying to get my domestic situation organized. It really hit me last weekend, after a crazy Friday night and a whole slew of events on Saturday, that I had about a little more than three weeks left. When I was in the Philippines, I remember I told my friends that the minute I received an acceptance letter, I would leave in two weeks. I received my acceptance letter to VT on the third week of April and I left May 6, 2000 (oh yeah, May always ushers in some change!). So when I told others I was going to NYC in 2006, I wasn't joking.

It really hit me. I am going to miss everyone, but to be honest, this is long overdue. I've always felt, to an extent, a good number of people in my life (not only my family) took advantage of the fact I 'was always there.' And I'm not, and I need to move on to greener pastures in my life, for my own personal development. For instance, my next position is going to be something a bit different from what I'm doing - different software package and different analyst position.

Things with me have been changing - first the weight, now smoking (one week), and hopefully, later on, my own spirituality. Going with the flow has never been so easy yet so deep...

Life & Death--

Since my sunny vacay in Miam-ay (it has to rhyme!), it's been a rollercoaster ride of hearing both fortunate and unfortunate news regarding my loved ones.

On one hand, I would like to congratulate my younger cousin Tina who gave birth to a healthy baby boy two weeks ago, to the dismay of my ultra-conservative, Fox News watching, but well-loved family. I would like to wish her and her family the very best (hey, I'm a new Tito --- not an old one or anything).

Unfortunately, we lost our Tita Tubby, who was my mother's best friend since high school (in fact, some of her friendships have lasted since kindergarten), passed away sadly last Thursday in her battle against various illnesses stemming from her liver transplant several years. She leaves behind many of us, such as her friends' children, who were devastated and saddened by the news. (Think of it this way, my younger siblings actually called us to ask about what happened).

Personally, Tita Tubby lived with us as an extended house guest when I was in middle school. She also was a gracious host whenever we visited her family home in the Philippines and her sister's home in Upstate NY.

I miss her already.
=====
In His Shoes

Oversized dark sunglasses, slightly tanned, with skinny tee, jeans, and D&G blazer and W&M friends in hand, I went shopping in Georgetown. On the way back from SEPHORA, we passed by the Steve Madden store, with a large 'SALE' sign emblazoned on the small display window. As we entered the store, we were greeted by a very cute, blond salesman (yes, salesMAN), who greeted us enthusiastically as we looked through the various pairs of shoes.

'Do you think he's gay?'

'Yeah, I think so. No wonder he looked really happy running back to get your pair of shoes'

So, okay, I was really interested in a pair of shoes, and yes, the salesman.

'So, Patrick, are you interested in getting a pair of shoes or a number?'

'Both.'

So as I was trying my shoes on, my conscience suddenly caught up with me and asked whether I was buying these beautiful shoes because he was cute or because I wanted it. So I promptly and somewhat sadly returned the shoes back to the cute guy.And I wanted to say something to him (like, 'Hey, what's your number?'), but he was busy with some PAYING customers, so I thanked him and left.

Suffice to say, I kicked myself in the ass several times this week for not asking him for his number. So, Sona did something that reminded me of last year.

She called 411, promptly got the number of the store, and asked when he was working.

So, at the very least, I will at least go back soon, so I can get some shoes, if not a number as well.
===
In the Bathroom

Just imagine a scene from a generic high school movie, except it's two Asian consultants. There's this really hot (yes, white) guy in my office that I like. Suffice to say, I was lucky enough to bump into him as I was walking to meet with one of the accountants on our floor. As I walked over, I stared at him, leaning against the wall of the office divider. As I was walking back from the accountant's office, I found him not only staring back at me (I think), but his 'asian friend', who I have dubbed my adversary, was RIGHT beside him (yeah, in a span of five minutes). The last time I went by his office, the Asian consultant came to my part of the and 'staked me out'. Cue 'The Boy is Mine'.

So, later that day, I went to the bathroom to relieve myself, when I saw that it was Asian consultant. He looked and sounded really sick. Maybe I'm wearing him down.

I plan on bumping into the dorky but hot accountant very soon.

As for the Asian consultant -- as Vivica Fox said so eloquently in 'Kill Bill': "Come on BITCH!"

To celebrate my last night in Miami, I went to Laundry bar for the tail-end of Happy Hour. After a long day driving from Key West, zigzagging through traffic and aggressive drivers (it was like a fucking driving test!), I took a short nap, had a quick dinner,and walked over for drinks (2 for 1 baby!)

While sipping my rum and diet coke, I met Cliff, who was an older male who I started chatting it up with. I had a blast bitching and talking about everything under the sun--which is great because there was no pressure (I was not going back with him and I wasn't even thinking about it). So after I drank my my last and third drink (which he paid for), I bid him farewell and left to go back to my hostel to nap. But before that, I realized that someone called my phone (yes, no caller ID information) but did not leave a number. I started to call all the people who a) call me past 10pm and b) don't leave messages. Plus, I was really tipsy, so I was couldn't think straight. Plus, my mother told me about her harrowing trip down to Richmond last weekend with my dad and my about-to-give-birth younger cousin (at least someone's getting some!).

I felt after all these misconnections trying to find out who called me (believe me, I get like miscellaneous calls like every two weeks), I felt like I was throwing messages in bottles, particularly to some individuals. So, semi-dramatic and tipsy, I went back to my dorm and planned to nap for like an hour, which became five.I woke up at 3:30 am, tried to sleep, but the older fellow in my dorm snored so loud that I decided at 5:45 to have coffee at the 24-hour News Cafe and then watch the sunrise.

And watch the sunrise I did...it was beautiful. Coming down from a haze of post-rum and coke drinking, smoking, and too much cuban coffee, I sought refuge in the Cuban diner (where I will be eating soon again!) for good and cheap breakfast.

I returned at 8am for my last nap before I checked out. Today I will see the Vizcaya and then off to the airport...

To cap off my last day in Key West, I decided to take Penny's advice and venture (with her) to the Southernmost House in Key West. Like a club, you had to pay to enter the house and use its facilities. So, for about three hours, I tanned on the outdoor deck with the other vacationers. The only problem was that I started to burn. So yes, your favorite Filipino finally got sunburned after several days in the sun (not cool whatsoever). Also, the receptionist for the club asked me if my shirt was from 'Dolce and Gabanna'? Obviously, knowing the couture freak that I am, it wasn't, which he made obvious after he kept asking several follow-up questions regarding the shirt in question ('Well, did it cost more than $130, because MY SHIRT COST THAT MUCH').

After burning earlier, I decided to actually do some real touring and headed out to the Hemingway house in Key West. There, not only was I able to see Hemingway's house in Key West, I was also able to see the various six-toed cats (yes, they have a fucking thumb!) on the property. Biking my way back to 'Melrose Place' (the only way to describe the apartment complex that Nicole and Penny live in), I was able to savor my last real night in Key West--getting lost in the cemetary trying to find a shortcut through the center of town. Eventually, I finally made it back, only to leave again to have dinner at El Siboney, a great/authentic Cuban restaurant where I had: Conch Chowder, some yellow rice, skirt stake with parsley and onion, plantains, and black beans. For $22 dollars, I had my fill of Cuban food for the whole day...

At the end of the night, I finally repacked all of my belongings into my suitcases for my trip back up to Miami. Of course, that included buying souvenirs for my family and relatives. Moreover, I had to have a taste of the infamous Key Lime Pie (which was good but way too sweet for my Atkins taste). So, as I was about to leave Nicole/Penny's apartment, Penny finally arrived from work, and we hung out for one last time.

While we did not go out that evening, we had some wine and talked about some of our past experiences. Moreover,we went back in and watched the reunion episode of 'Project Runway'. So maybe I didn't have the whole 'You're leaving tomorrow BITCH, and we need to get you drunk' last night in Key West, but I had a wholesome and restful end to my Key West experience...

But I still woke up sunburned like hell. Shit.

After a long, fun and sun-filled day...

-Recovering from sickness and hangover
-Snorkeling
-Eating half-priced appetizers
-Watching the sunset
-Swimming/exercise at the complex pool

Penny (my sister's best friend) and I eventually went out after resting and watching Sex and the City on TBS. Unlike the night before where we were drinking pretty quickly and talking incessantly about the experiences of the past year, this night was a little more chill. Perhaps it was the fact that unlike South Beach last weekend, Key West was full of families who went back to their overpriced hotel room, resort, or cruise ship cabin promptly before midnight, leaving Duval streets windy and empty. Or perhaps it was the fact that the three or four groups of 'springbreakers' got drunk way too early when they realized how quiet the city was this week (right before the start of 'spring break' and before their own celebration of Mardi Gras.

So after two rounds of drinks, we ended up back where we began--right at White Tarpon, where we started our day before we snorkeled, having some good conversation over our last drinks for the night and seeing Lily (Nicole's dog) again...

To describe my departure from Miami--ghetto sketch. First, the bus system, like the person at the hostel told me, was very unreliable. I had to take a $35 minute cab to the smallest bus station I've ever been to. This place was so small--someone's ass could have been bigger than this station.

Moreover, the bus terminal had one waiting area--very sketch. Not only was I being eyed (in a bad way) when I arrived (natch, I was dressed and all), but when I got up to go to the restroom, the same guy stood up as well and looked in that direction (uh huh). So, suffice to say, I was relieved to finally get on the Greyhound bus (which is a lot for me to say, honestly) on my four and a half hour bus ride through the keys to Key West.

When I arrived at Key West, I rode with three other Japanese tourist girls who were going to same hostel. When I arrived in Key West, I expecting people like my sister's friend - funky, young, and tanned. Well, like the other occupants in my hostel, they're just old...and retired? Don't get me wrong--Key West has its young people--but I think they're hiding somewhere off Duval street because all I see are middle-aged "I can finally afford a weeklong vacation" to the "I have nothing else to do with my retirement money" to the "Honey, why did we bring the kids?" crowds. Even the gay bars down here are full of retirees, both gay and straight...

So as I arrived at my hostel, the other person MY AGE who got off the bus was hanging out with the three girls, even until later on in the evening when I ran into them again (three times--that's how big the city is). My thing is that he was probably after something more than dinner--but honestly, having met my share of female Asian tourists on my various travels abroad, I think he left empty-handed (or one-handed?) and probably why I did not see him the third time I saw the Japanese tourists.

After checking in and unpacking, I walked briskly to the other side of island where the nightly sunset celebration was held. Even though I was late and darkness of the young night was permeating the sky, I was able to get a glimpse of its fading beauty...My digital camera, of course, did not do it any justice, but it was nice,for once, to realize, that for once, the only activity I was focused on for five minutes did not have to do with any complicated, introspective cause whatsoever.

At the beach (South Beach).For the last two hours i have been soaking up the rays on the crowded-with-beautiful-ppl beach.What was it-80 deg today?Jealous much?Haha.=)

So after a long-delayed flight, where I almost found myself sitting beside a very nice man who was reading an Ann Coulter book, I finally arrived in Miami/South Beach.

I did what every sick tourist does when they arrive--unpack and go to the bars. Actually, in this case, I did go to Twist, apparently one of the best (and the darkest-where the hell are the lights on the second floor?) gay bars in South Beach. Walking down Collins Avenue, with Madonna blaring from someone's car, in almost 70 degree weather, it was surreal.

It was a bit interesting, seeing that this my first time to go by myself. So, from 12:30 - 3:30am:

-Danced my ass off ('Coz I'm dancing alone...')
-Talked to man who was standing right beside in his 'lookout spot' (really nice, but like my dad's age).
-Some guy ran their finger down my chest as he was leaving with his 'friend'.
-Drank three drinks nd yet was very sober

Of course, since no one ever hits on me, it's usually a very slow night. It was very interesting when I started dancing by myself on the dance. Not only was I like almost dancing in near the makeout area (Whoa, there went someone's pants), I was being pushed towards this semi-impending threesome. Which would have been fine, except that the guy who started it had liked kissed every guy who was breathing in front of him.

Then of course, there was the guy who came up to me (?) and tried dancing with me really aggressively. You know those people who try to kiss you out of nowhere and they start shoving their tongue down your throat...well that didn't happen. But, what did happen is that this guy just came up close to me (which shocked me) really quickly, tried to spread my legs, and impose himself on me (yeah, thank God--finally a taller guy!). But this was all in ten seconds. A normal man would have fallen over.
I, on the other hand, was so taken aback that I pushed back. And so he just left me there. Gone in 60 seconds...

Other than that, when I decided to take a break downstairs, which at the time, was during a lull of the night, I decided to get a drink downstairs. Of course, the guy beside me was totally chatting it up with this old man who kept pushing drinks.I was really interested in the guy right beside me, whose face I did not see, but whose body I saw, and he was moving uncomfortably, (I think it was something between him and his boyfriend, who kept coming back in intervals)--who knew. Anyway, I asked him politely for the ashtray, and I saw his face and melted.

After a few more minutes, he left with his boyfriend, and I was seated next to Mr. 'I wanna be kept' for a couple of minutes before I went up to dance again.

But his chiseled, light skin and dark features made my night. And gave me some hope for the rest of the evening.;)

Going to Laundry Bar for happy hour (where can you do your laundry and see hot men at the same time?). Will update you all soon.

At the beach (South Beach).For the last two hours i have been soaking up the rays on the crowded-with-beautiful-ppl beach.What was it-80 deg today?Jealous much?Haha.=)

Hey hey,live from South Beach.Right now,i am about to have brunch at News Cafe,hit the beach,then hit the clubs tonight before i hit key west sometime tomorrow.Until then...

Last weekend also saw my relatives from LA visit DC (like Rachelle).

Last weekend in DC with Allison & Marco at Club 1223.

Shuffling through my ipod during my morning commute to work, I listened to some great songs on the way to work. I know there is some self-selection in the process of transferring songs to my ipod, but the last few days, I have been (with some hits and misses) able to listen to some great songs, mostly from the past.

One of these songs (which, yes, I've used already in one of my past Europe emails, I'm sure) was "Raincloud" by Lighthouse Family. It's one of the only positive songs about rain--although part of me was itching for "I'm Only Happy When It Rains" by Garbage. Somehow Lighthouse Family can make positive songs about anything--maybe they could make a song about the somewhat sorry state of my personal affairs...(maybe it's not sorry--but rather..bittersweet?)
===
The past few weeks, especially the last week, was a time to connect again with some friends. Earlier in the week, I was able to meet with my friend Courtney H. for some coffee at Cosi's (alliteration, anyone?). During the conversation, we were able to catch up on the almost two months since my graduation party (it's been that long, yeah I know!), talking about plans...especially homecoming, which is literally just on the horizon.

Part of this has been spurred by my initiative to clear out my backlog of pictures. For your information, I have, uh, about 25 rolls to go, mostly from my jaunt across most of Eastern Europe. Most people have an album or so to go with their college experiences. I have boxes.

But that's the only way I remember...yet I can't seem to find enough "space" to add all the pictures of my friends on my vaunted shelf (if you've been to my room, you'll know what I mean--I only add a picture every year). But luckily, I haven't had to take down pictures of former friends--they just never made it to the shelf in the first place.

Speaking about that, a conversation with Mahar and Ma'am Amy made me realize how the wounds are so fresh. Maybe I cannot forget entirely the things that others have done to me. It's "out of sight, out of mind..." and mostly I have forgiven the transgressions, but I have not forgotten, and I don't think I ever will. Give it a couple more years...
===
On a lighter note, I have decided what my new DVD collection is going to be, because I ran out of Sex and the City seasons to collect. I have decided to collect Pedro Almodovar movies. Not only does he, in my view, know how to direct a good movie, his movies tackle life so vividly and passionately. It doesn't hurt that he tackles LBGT issues in his movie as well. And, Gael Garcia Bernal in Bad Education, unrated version--that's all I have to say. Part of me is tempted to collect other TV/Cable series on DVD, such as QAF or Felicity (yeah, I know...), but since I have most of the former on VHS, and I am trying to build my collection of movies, I think this will be the best way to expand my cultural boundaries, including my renewed subscription to the Economist and my new initiative to buy new books as much as possible.
===
You know when you are 'such a girl'...when you've already planned what to wear three weeks in advance of the actual event. For instance, I already have four basic outfits for homecoming. For my casual, first night, get "TOT CRUNK" (or get very, very drunk)outfit (day and night outfit for Friday-Sunday), I am wearing my custom-made t-shirt for Homecoming and hopefully a new pair of skinny jeans (size 29/30 baby!). I also have my pseudo-business-y attire (think fitted suit that I am hoping to get from a vintage or thrift shop with a long sleeve fitted shirt). Finally, I have my post-hangover, "I have to go home" outfit almost finalized. Of course, for each basic outfit, I have backup t-shirts and outfits just in case the weather or situations change. Knowing me, I'm going to arrive in the German Haus with a whole week's worth of clothes...but who cares, I'm going to look fucking good.*

*This is all subject to change.This is highly contingent on mood, weather, and of course, fall sales
===
The pop music aficionado (which is more a paradox, more than anything else) is going to experience a bumper crop of 'horribly-bad-but-it's-so-good-music' for the next few weeks. Madonna's dance album is coming out next Tuesday, Ashlee Simpson that same week, and...Lindsay Lohan's second CD is coming out (her first, even though I broke my "Buy 3 songs from iTunes Music Store, buy the album" rule), I still have not purchased). I also want to finally purchase Kelly Clarkson, Alicia Keys' Unplugged album, and... Kanye West's new album (random purchase I know).

And for you L.Lo/Hohan haters out there, no, I don't plan on buying Hilary Duff's album because a) she's "totally hatin'" on my girl Lindsay b) she looks like a horse with her new teeth.(But I admit, I bought the single from her new album)...
===
I've come to the conclusion that it's not that I don't have enough interests---I just have too many to count.
===

Warning: Very Long Post

2 Friends, 2 Helpings of Breakfast, & a side of Family in Richmond
"Oh my God. When you stepped out of the car, I was wondering why your brother was coming out of the car. You're so tiny!"

"I'm starving--I've been eating my own food for a whole week."

"I hate limp handshakes. It's like a touching a limp dick!"

Last last weekend, I spent the weekend in Richmond, visiting my friend's fabulous new condo on the James River. When some people start out on their own after graduation, they "slum it out" in a shitty place, with shitty furniture, and if you're a high-priced locale like NYC, shitty roommates. Shitty this was not...if she was slumming it, I live in a box (tastefully decorated, of course).

After a night of drinking, watching Sex and the City, and eating breakfast at 2AM (which, I honestly believe, is a William & Mary thing because I've never eaten breakfast with so many people after 2AM) at a local diner, we briefly saw each other before I saw my sisters (and Mishel Valenton), who were visiting my brother across town.

After a fun-filled brunch with even more BREAKFAST, I had a coffee and talking jaunt with Natalie, who I have not seen since she graduated. Like some of my friends I've met, she was one of those good friends I've met right before she graduated in 2004. We walked, talked, walked, talked, and drank our Cuban coffee. I had to cut it short because I did not want to get home too late--I had to be at work at 7AM the next day (yeah!!!).
---
From a Different Point of View
I know most people won't believe me, but it's taken me a while to get used to my new body. Looking at myself at times--like for instance while taking a shower in Courtney's huge bathroom with a mirror facing the shower stall--I myself am in shock of what I look like now...believe it or not.
---
Work, Work, Work...
Working long hours isn't too bad--it's trying to have a life the rest of the day that's impossible. Although my schedule isn't as hectic as others, commuting and trying to have a life on the side is the difficult part. As a lifelong insomniac, sleeping lately means a 3 or 4 hour break from the oh so cruel world.
---
1st Alumni Event *(burp)*
As a newly minted graduate from William & Mary, I finally experienced in a very crazy manner. It started out mellow--travelling to the Mayflower Hotel (nice!) in DC --then it descended into craziness (well not entirely). The culprit-- NO DINNER and an open Wine & Beer bar. Normally, I conduct myself a bit more orderly than I did that night, but I was having a rough week. One drink after the other, and I was tipsy.Of course, I greeted the new president (the event we were celebrating) then I started talking to someone, rambling on with glossy eyes. In a Bridget Jones' type of embarrassing moment, I crossed my legs trying to move backwards while talking and almost fell backwards while talking to someone. Yeah. Almost. But like any responsible person, I took the Metro to my sister's apartment, found the sofa, and collapsed into the welcoming arms of the sofa and slept...
---
That Day
In one day...
I somehow manage to find myself almost huddled in my room crying it off. I got into a fight earlier in the day with one of my parents over something stupid. I could not drive anywhere because of another's parent's actions. I was hungry because I didn't have any food in my house to eat (readily...everything was frozen). And of course, to top it all off, I had some issues with a particular person because of their call that day (yeah, I'm being vague).

Thank God for my friends and the DC Nightlife. And no, I behaved myself well.
---
"Erica's Advice"

Of course, I received the same "Oh my God, you're tiny" response from Erica, but what I wanted more was her advice on a particular situation. Erica was in town visiting--Valerie, Yazid, and I took her and her friend Kenny out on the town...

"It shouldn't have to be this hard."

"You still see him with spectacles--you need to see him clearly for who he is. You don't want to see him clearly--you would lose the excitement of it."

"In your situation, there's always a chaser and chase-ee. Someone should be chasing you for a change."

Of course, Erica's ability to brief me on the current situation did not wane as the night went on:

"Oh my God, you missed him. That guy was totally waiting for you (to notice him). And he was hot too." [Btw, I did see him as he left--and yeah, she was right--he was hot. Crap.]

(Gulp)

(Sigh)
---
(Post-Saturday)
Drowning my Sorrows...in Asian food
Sunday was literally a sun-filled day...as I walked my car-less ass to the nearby Asian grocery. Filling my cart with delights such as salad greens and other delectable delights, it was a day I used to start cleaning up my room (which is getting there!). It was definitely a bit quieter than other days-except I got to meet my friends Courtney B. (in town--again!) and Eric for some "Chinese" food at PF Changs (if your servers are caucasian and if you are not eating from cheap plastic bowls, it ain't real Chinese food. hahah).

A quiet ending to a not-so-quiet week. I think I'm getting old (or at least, getting there...).

...And free food and wine.

"Yeah I'll go with you to YOUR homecoming. I put the 'Ho' in Homecoming!"
---
I'll admit it--I had an acute case of Male PMS last weekend. No matter what anyone did, I would suddenly huff and puff and blow the house down. Emotionally, I was a mess. Like the movie Lost in Translation, I felt trapped again in this cyclical feeling of loneliness. Then,as the clouds parted (almost literally over the weekend), I started to see that I was not depressed, angry (ok, actually, I was), or even lonely. I was lost within myself, searching for the next step, as these months have just been stressful and eventful. Maybe my life has been too interesting (or not enough?).
---
"Oh my God! You look great."
"I try..."

I met up with Tasha and her twin sister Karen and their friends, one of which was a fine southern man (forget about 'em soldiers, I want me a Southern boy. Besides, I have a weakness for accents). Tasha waited in line with me as we approached to ever-crowded Cafe Citron, which was blasting (leaving me deaf for one day) latin music and rap/r&b the rest of the evening. Was I going to stay at home and pine over someone so distant or have a distant chance of meeting someone? I chose the latter.

Well, of course, I didn't meet anyone. There was, however, the hunky bouncer and very hunky bartender (drink sucked but well worth the tip), I went in and danced here and there with Tasha & Co. As Tasha left to get some air, I realized I was left alone, on the second floor balcony area looking at the rest of the club. In my best hyped-up impression of Miss Hohan's infamous dancing-on-the-tables type of routine, I started dancing, albeit timidly towards the crowd, like I was performing. Heck, even the bartender goaded me on. For a couple of minutes, I glanced down as tipped, stepped, twirled,and even smiled through some dance moves, doin' a Justin. And then, suddenly, when I realized that Tasha might have needed me, I left that view from above...and that light, empowered glow that livened up what could have been a slow night.
---
If I was doin a Hohan and Justin on Saturday, Tasha was doing a Britney--walking barefoot through DC because her feet were swollen and sore.Having had a good, clean fun night, I started to slowly feeling withdrawn again, like the mist had reappeared and I was starting to disappear again into my pseudo-melancholy. But the double glance and rhe meeting of eyes with this hot Indian man caught my attention and made me smile, walking behind 'Britney'. It made my night (sigh).
---
"How mysterious!"
"I'm confused and ecstatic."

Waiting in line in front of Cafe Citron with Tasha!

Picture from Museum of Art in Philly.

Picture of Museum of Art in Philadelphia (Cue Rocky theme).

Celebrating Phil's 21st @ the Leafe.(L-R): Zack,PFC Gopon,and Mark.

Once in a while, when I'm bored (or sleepy), I switch my ipod to shuffle and listen to the random songs in my music collection. As any ipod aficionado (and large mp3 collector) will tell you, this is usually a mixed bag. On one hand you've got the soon to be radio classics that help a hard day or a long drive down the expressway glide by. Then you have the noisy, cheesy, and oft-times horrible pop music festering in your collection. In the same way, my life so far, as a true adult in the real world, has been this re-mixed. One day complete and utter bliss. The other, full of conflict and spite. But, maybe like the chinese curse that almost dictates my life (which what someone posted on my first private blog) states ---'May your life be interesting.'--this random shuffle keeps us engaged, listening to sweet crescendos and the haunting reverb of songs that make up our lives.

---
One song that completely reflects where I am right now (my current conflict) is the cheeky, sunny, but somewhat shallowy-vague song "More than This" by the 10,000 Maniacs (Version 2.0 without Natalie Merchant!). It's helping put some of the things in my life right now in perspective - the haunting refrain says everything that can be said....and everything I don't want to admit.

I could feel at the time
There was no way of knowing
Fallen leaves in the night
Who can say where they're blowing
As free as the wind
And hopefully learning
Why the sea on the tide
Has no way of turning
More than this
You know there is nothing
More than this
Tell me one thing
More than this
You know there is nothing
It was fun for a while
There was no way of knowing
Like a dream in the night
Who can say where we're going
No care in the world
Maybe I'm learning
Why the sea on the tide
Has no way of turning
More than this
You know there is nothing
More than this
Tell me one thing
More than this
You know there is nothing...

Me & Allison in Philly!

I'm running, I'm running, catch up with me life
Where is the love that I'm looking to find
It's all in me, can't you see, why can't you, why can't you see it's all in me

"Turn Off the Light" by Nelly Furtado

When I first heard this song a couple of years ago when I was still starting college, I thought it was catchy more than anything else. Plus, I loved how she danced in her video. But now that I am my age--and I'm not that old or experienced at all--I realized what she was actually talking about in her song. The feeling of trying to get it together more than anything else. Just being normal.Just finding what or who you truly love. Just finding out whether to be upset or happy with your current state of affairs (single!). Just trying to get it all together. It's a tall order.

I guess more than anything else--I don't know what I want in love or life. But it's an adventure to find what I do want. Between knowing what you want and knowing what you can get. And that's what the song expresses...completely.
===
I gotta shake it off
Gotta make that move
Find somebody who
Appreciated all the love I give
Boy I gotta shake it off
Gotta do what's best for me
Baby and that means I gotta
shake it off
-"Shake It Off" by Mariah Carey

This song makes me feel I should try to distance myself from negative elements in my life--to find someone who appreciates me for who I am, completely. One day, while telling someone about my current sitation...they told me quite bluntly--

"You deserve someone so much better--someone who will treat you better."

Of course I was defensive--defending the person in question, trying to rationalize their crude aloofness. But even so, I couldn't deny that part of me was really swallowing my pride...to even stay in contact with him. This unique situation has held me captive--especially for a person who values his freedom. But part of me, however, wants to stay in it as long as possible..to find out what will happen, to find out if there will finally be a resolution.

And if there is, whatever the outcome, I need to shake it off and proceed to the next step...or maybe even, shake him off and leave him in the past like all the others.

"This is the second time that a gay man has slept in my bed."

"I had my walk of shame on Saturday morning--from church."

"Wow, this bed is so comfy...it smells so good...but then again, he doesn't sleep here anyway"

"So, you went from babycrunk to crackhead lunch in one night?"

"How's our favorite, little homophobe?"

"Why aren't they friends anymore--he was...(whisper out "cock blocked")"

"Why not? EVERYBODY LOVES AN ASIAN BOY!"

"You know...old haunts...and SHADOWS."

"So wait, you're talking about the guy who's been jerking you around. He should be jerking you *off*"

"Whatever--he's totally closet"

"YOU are such a GUY. (You never pick up the phone!) Hahaha. You parked by my rental."

"Oh my God, I need a drink. What's this? I need a drink!"

"I thought we were at IHOP. This is like Waffle House at 4am."

"What shirt should I wear? The relaxed, not really going out shirt but skinny tee or 'the skinny we're going out tonight and I wanna look hot"

"Hey at least we got some food..and some entertainment."

I will start posting some of my crazy e-mail conversations with fellow HD tagteam member and coworker, Holly (GoLightly!):

On meeting the new guy:
I|X: here's the pic [from facebook]
H: looks like a backstreet boy
I|X:hahahah. What team is he on . not the other "team"...)?
---
I|X: I let the backstreet boy in. He seems nice.
H: funnnnn!
what's [redacted] talking about? some girl called him crying?
I|X: Hmm..I don't know (and prob don't care either. heheh).
Who's bringing b-fast today?
---
H: bsb *might* play for your team... i overheard [redacted] saying "let me give you my number" to him...............
we shall see.
I|X: i know. I got those vibes too...oh well, he's apparently interested in women on his facebook profile.
hmm..
---
I|X: (after bumping into BSB) throw your hands up in the air...
---
H: yeah, def not surprised if he's hetero. it was just funny to hear [redacted] trying to give out his number.

Marco,Yazid,Allison,Mishel,& Elena in NYC.

Okay, diving into the present (or the near past at this point), I had training for the version of my firm's financial management product. Knowing how these things usually go, Holly (my fabulous coworker) and I were hoping for some really hot fellow participants.

Unfortunately, that did not come to pass. Because I had training this week, I have been able to say goodbye to the several friends who were off on their various paths.Olga left for gradschool in California (the very liberal Pepperdine University), and so we hung out and she slept over (just like in middle school)--having dinner, drinks, and an episode of Sex and the City. Claire left as well this weekend for W&M--I had dinner with her family and best friend's Ana (and her family) at their home on Friday.

But the most interesting development has been my little sister's sudden and spontaneous visit for the next month or so. It's been several years since my sister has visited VA, so she'll be tagging along whereever I'm planning to travel the next month.

Finally, my compulsion for skinny tees (with a message) to match my authentically ripped jeans (the knees just ripped when I was last in W&M) continues. Last week it was my "Crush" shirt. The week before was my "Everybody Loves an Asian Boy" shirt (see Taylor Anne's pics). The weekend I bought another t-shirt from Urban Outfitters--"Come to Philly for the Crack".
----
This weekend everybody traveled up to NYC. I mean, uh, everyone. Yazid and his little brother came up. Our friend (who apparently has been living in NoVa for last few years) Mishel was also in town with her sister. My siblings (sans Toni). Valerie and her family--and Doug.

As you can see in my flickr post before this one, we all went out last night--all the "former" kids. We went to the LES (Lower East Side) and went to a nice bar, then hung out a funky dive bar that had $3 well drinks from 2-4am.

Yeah, we got back at 4am.

Then we went around St. Mark's Place the next day, after having some greasy breakfast at a diner near Pearson's apartment (thanks Pearson!).Most of stayed at Pearson's place--because some of my friends wanted the bed (even though I had a *back* problem)--I slept, once again, on a floor in my 80's sleeping bag, just like my recent travels all over the East coast.

Another city, Another floor.

Eric,Jamie,& I spending time together before she left for her Fulbright in Indonesia.

The cracked Liberty Bell.

Jessie,Amy K.,Zach,Bay,Mark at the Leafe...

Newly legal drinkers-Mark,Bay,& Claire at the Leafe in Williamsburg.

My little brother just turned 21 today!=)

From a different point of view...

Skinny jeans + small tee + 8 hour tan + several low carb alcoholic drinks in a candlelit bathroom in Philadelphia.

I only had a couple of drinks,as one can tell,my facial expression says 'I am a vanguard of sobriety.'

Here's Elena and I at Museum of Art in Philadelphia watching Live8!

Hey everyone.My friend Elena and I are standing in front of the Museum of Art in Philly!We got here around 45 minutes ago, and there are thousands of people!

Sorry, this isn't a tribute to all things Barbra & Robert...

As I sit,semi-relaxing, I've had a whirlwind of a day. First, I woke up after celebring my good friend Elizabeth's not-birthday-party birthday party in Dupont Circle and having a late-night night cap with Yazid afterwards. Then, I picked up three pieces of FREE furniture and stuff for my upcoming place...with meals here and there, spending time with my dad (one on one) for the first time in ages...


Philadelphia--the city of the Liberty bell and all that 'brotherly love'

Coming back, I suddenly find out about Live 8 (well not really, but seeing as this is a once in a generation, free type of thing--that and Justin Timberlake just signed on!) in Philadelphia, so in thirty minutes time I a) search for (hopefully) free places to crash b) lookup the cheap chinatown bus routes c) post an ad on craigslist (in Philly) to hopefully put together a cheap, last-minute weekend trip to Philadelphia in my touring through Europe on a shoestring style...Of course, there is one person I know in Philly, but if he didn't share any of his brotherly love earlier this year, I doubt I will be greeted with anything but an awkward red carpet of half-baked excuses...


Don't YOU want to rock this body?

And, in the midst of my adrenaline-filled push for more spontaneity in my life, I suddenly crash...and I start feeling tired again. Mentally tired.Everything is speeding up so quickly--all these changes now in motion--and I think I'm a bit scared.

So there, while watching the The Way We Were , in the five minutes I actually watch (the ending--I'm famous for watching only the beginnings and endings of movies), I realize I'm a bit scared--I used to run away from my past. Now, I'm running towards my future. And it's new for me. It's scary. It's exciting...
----


What do you dream about in bed?

Oh my god. Last time. First dream with AWKWARD in it. Yikes. That was awkward...hahaha.I woke up thinking, "Where the hell did that come from?"

(Just as awkward in my imagination--no more, no less.).

'You've been emancipated...now what?'

In my last eight days traveling (yes, I AM BACK already!), I happened to stumble upon something I haven't had in a long time--time to think (it's called sleeping. I was still out a lot). And while I won't bore you with my bouts of introspection, what I will say that I had a lot of time to start thinking, between the partying, the touring ,and the eating/shopping! What I thought about mainly is what I wanted to do next--I've worked so hard and now school is over--how do I want to make things in my life as beautiful and exciting as all the places I've been to those two weeks...

---------
PRAGUE

Finally, the capital of the Czech Republic!

After toiling away in the countryside (which wasn't country per se--it was really smaller towns in Prague), I finally arrived in Prague---I was breathless. Mainly because I had to lug two 40 lbs bags through the metro, up a stairway leading to an overpass crossing the traintracks to my very nice and poshy hostel. The hostel, which I picked because of its facilities, was really like some people said, "Looks like Ikea": and they were right--it was all Ikea furniture.


Thank God the tourists are not on the bridge.

In terms of the sights, I have to say, I was very impressed. But by the time I got to Prague, it was the same formula as before--Castle on the hill/mound, bridges connecting the city, well-dressed Eastern/Central Europeans, and good beer and food. Most of the time in Prague was stressful--I had to do some major shopping for pasalubong for my family--especially RELIGIOUS items! The only thing I hated about being in Prague were the crowds, especially on Charles bridge. It was so packed usually...the place was so full of tourists! In the end, honestly, I wish I had a bit more time to stay in Prague--I only went out one night..and we went to pricey club and then later to a strip club (hey, the guys in the group persuaded us).

On my morning in Prague, I had the chance to wake up early (it was either party or wake up early..you know the drill) to watch the sunrise on Charles bridge, which was amazing, especially with all the statues on the bridge, and the castle. But as I left, I heard the clubs nearby still pounding away (it was almost 6AM and well-lit!), somewhat sad that I didn't get to--uh, get drunk and dance my ass off like...


Partying is so tiring...I need a cigarette...

-------
VIENNA

I went to Vienna, and all I could afford was this fucking postcard!

Arriving in Vienna, I knew one thing--this wasn't going to be some cafe sipping trip. Alas, I wasn't able to do any cafe-ing. Didn't have enough time. For what I sacrificed in my last week, I did not sacrifice in Vienna--I was going for broke, literally. Knowing that I'd be home soon, I went shopping, I went out, and I..went to the Opera for 2 EUROS! Vienna was great except for those nasty people once in a while. I'm somewhat familiar with German culture and Germanic people, but, in some cases, I had to say I definitely felt that I wore out my welcome a couple times.That and it was very very expensive.

Plus, in terms of sightseeing--everything was either closed (Sundays & Mondays) or very expensive (it's worth repeating twice, believe me!). I got to see the palaces, eat the only cheap place to eat--the Naschmarket, hung around the University nearby for like a couple minutes doing some, uh, sightseeing. Also, in addition to all of the above, went shopping (Father's Day sales everywhere) and drank with a couple of people here and there. While I did not have my Viennese (?) coffee and cake, I did have Wiener Schnitzel, and while I expecting like two small slices, I got two huge oven mitt sized flat Schnitzels. (Thank you Lonely Planet for finding that place!)


No wonder the Royal Family was so rich, to be a tourist here, you have to have some money!

The propensity to go overboard (Sagittarius, me, no really?) reached its peak when I almost missed my plane home. Officially, I overslept. The real reason: I overslept because I drank a bottle of red wine, drank more later on at a 6AM closing bar, and then passed out, waking up 1.5 before my plane. Let's just say that I was VERRRY close to missing my plane...Part of it was because I was accused of shoplifting the day before (asshole!).
----

Being Back

I *predict* my working dollars going to this place more and more in the future...

Being back has been so crazy; literally, I started work five days after I came back from Europe. To top it off, I went out Friday and Saturday before that Monday before work. I was like, uh, this is the end of my adolescent/young adult life. After Monday, I'm a full-fledged adult. I am very lucky that I had such great friends out with me--in the daytime and the evening. Beyond not having to pay (because I literally couldn't afford to even pay cover at some places), it was great that I was invited to several events and was able to see some of my friends before they left. After my first week of work, I also had the opportunity to see more friends, and was there when one of my friends turned 21...with her family.
-----
RENT

I wonder how it's going to be...like Friends...like Big Brother...or (sigh), the Real World?...

I also started looking for housing, which has been a very exhausting and taxing process. I mean, God, how hard is it to look for housing that pleases everyone involved. At this point, my roommates and I (one of which is just like my friend and roommate of the last two years, Eric) have applied for a place. Once I get up and running, I'm going to send you guys some pictures. I'm excited. Having my own places means that I can have the freedom of college and the lack of parental nagging, which means, I can have more friends-of the sleeping-over type.
--------
A New Me?

Thinner. New hair. Smiling.

Well my grueling trip and Atkin's diet made me..uh..really thin. Think of it this way--before this year, my thinnest period of my life (yes, like all fat people, we have periods of thinness and fatness--it ebbs and flows...) was when I went to the Philippines last (you think I was going back to see everyone and looking fat and ugly--yeah RIGHT!). Based on my clothes sizes (I don't weigh myself) and my general appearance, I'm at my thinnest. My skinny jeans are no more--my size 32 low-rise boot cut A|X jeans are now loose (FYI-those are the jeans I wore in the Philippines). Everyone has been so shocked--since some of them saw me right before I left for Europe (I was only gone for like...two to three weeks!).Subtract about 10-15 pounds from my last photo shoot.

In a strange twist--my family is now somewhat upset about the whole thing. Everytime I utter something related to eating--my mother is very touchy. She thinks that I shouldn't lose any more weight. I'm only going as far as my body takes me. I'm still on Atkins, although I have been a little less strict on the whole thing. I'm planning to work out to tone up, not to really "lose more weight". But, it's nice being a bit underweight (looking...that is) than overweight.Although, since I am eating three meals a day now (unlike one or two during my trip) and working, I don't think my family has much to worry, really.My weight will normalize, and I want to look fit, not bony and hungry!

I look good. I generally feel good. And whether or not I told people, I worked my ass off to look the way I do now (weight training is NOT fun!).

It's been a whirlwind of a month!

Hey everyone. I've been back in the US since June 8th. Since then, I started my full-time job and began the grueling search for housing.

At any rate, I'll update once things settle down a bit (and hopefully when I have my own room in a new place! Yeah!).

Until then...more Hohan. :)

The day the music died

Okay, on my way from Bratislava to Brno, I had the worst day...

While I had some great touring in 1.5 days I was in Bratislava (who can..forget the receptionist!), I started to receive my share of more bad luck. First, being the complacent "euro tourist" I am, I did not bother asking how much service laundry costs in the Bratislava hostel. Um, it cost 15 dollars. Bitch.

Next, I also accidentally bought a somewhat pricey bottle of pear brandy for the same reason above--I checked the wrong price.

So I left Bratislava hoping to leave all these annoying (and not life-threatning) issues behind me,especially after a very long day of touring the beautiful central, old town of Bratislava.


This is Brno, ho!

In Brno (Czech Republic), I finally make it to the private residence of a Czech family after trying to find the residence for the past hour with my gigantic suitcases. Private room was nice, family was very hospitable (uh, they're getting paid), and said family had college-aged (?) son my age, none of whom spoke NO english or german (which they said they did on their website).

Travelling around Brno, I went through the old city at night and then the next day, tried to enter the castle grounds, but alas, it was closed. It was then that I realized:

-My camera choked partially through my roll of film, requiring me to rewind (and pray to God that my film goes through) the film and replace it.


I HATE CAMERAS. Why do they keep dying on me?

-My water bottle in my bag spilled water everything in my bag.
When I checked my bag:


YOU BITCH! You ruined my IPOD!

My cell phone was okay...(phew)


The only survivor (?) of this trip--and it's insured.

My ipod was okay...
UNTIL I tried to use it later on the train to Cesky Krumlov.


No!!! Not my precious...my precious!


That, and I was really TAN!


I was playing a song from Emancipation... when my ipod stopped the playing the song midway and then it refused to register or recognize the different key presses when I tried to use the clickwheel to navigate through the menus.

I was horrified. Not only because of the cost of replacing both my digital camera and ipod would have been a bummer, but because all this was happening on my trip--THE trip.


Cesky Krumlov-Nice castle. Again.

Anyway, after pouting and acting pissy for the next 2 hours to Cesky Krumlov, I started to let go of my anger, and eventually met a group of fellow travelers, who made my day by talking to me, helping me forget my various electronic malfunctions.

Again, like Brno, it took me a while to find the hostel I was staying in--it was also raining that evening, with the next day in the upper teens/early 20 deg. C (versus 34! in Budapest one day). So, instead of hiking to yet another town Plzen and squeezing two days of touring in 1.5 days (what I did in Brno and Bratislava), my body basically rejected any attempts to sleep less than four hours.

Cesky Krumlov, as expected, was beautiful, like a small medieval town...in the Czech Republic. In the old town, everything is basically intact. For those who have been to Bruge--it's like that--except more authentic, with a kick-ass castle, and a quarter of the size. That also meant that when I left, I lugged about 70 pounds of luggage (2 rollaways) up hills and cobblestone streets to make my bus the next morning.



F*ck Atkins, I'm having some tasty and cheap Czech beer

Before Prague, I did the southern bohemia beer tour--visiting both the breweries of the original Budweiser and Pilsner Urquell, visiting Ceske Budejovice and Plzen. The plant tours were okay--drinking all this beer during the beer tasting was not conducive to this hungry and weary traveler. After the beer tour (and morning tour of Cesky Krumlov), I basically passed out. Because of this (and the nice but antisocial travelers at the hostel I was in), it was very quiet during my Czech countryside tours.

Physically, especially since I barely recovered from my sickness-barely sleeping-typing all day last month of school during my four days at the beach, my body was stretched to its limits, mentally and physically when I arrived into Cesky Krumlov,where I rested a bit more and toured less frantically than I did the past week.


Setting myself up for some Mariah Carey-esque meltdown..?

In Plzen, where I was in town for a hour, after the brewery tour, I headed to one other attraction basically walked around...to do some shopping.Surprisingly, Plzen was another beautiful city-very underrated in my guidebook.No castle, but great beer and great old town area.


Plzen: The city of beer, golden,tasty beer...


As I left Plzen for Prague, I noticed...



My IPOD was still working, I think. That, and my hectic three night, five city tour was over. It was off to Prague, the capital of the Czech Republic.

Off to Vienna--Will do my last travel log soon.

See you all on Wednesday.
-from The Czech train HO!--barely eating, being barraged by 80's and early 90's music and remakes, trying to party my ass off--in search of the perfect random travel hookup.


I'm a ho, you a ho, let's go!